Self-Talk

Self-talk occurs when we think about something. Sometimes, this self-talk can improve our performance. Other times, it can cause us to get in our own way by focusing on the wrong things, distracting us from our performance, or just being negative. In this series, you will learn the best types of self-talk and some strategies for speaking kindly to yourself.

In psychology, the ABCs of behavior are often discussed. The theory is that all behaviors (B) have antecedents (A) and consequences (C). Here is a fun clip from The Office to explain this. In the clip, Jim uses computer sound as the antecedent. The behavior is Dwight taking the mint. The consequence is how Dwight’s mouth feels. When the behavior is removed, the consequence still occurs.

When we try to control our self-talk, we are trying to control that specific behavior. Like with other behaviors, we can train ourselves to behave differently by modifying the antecedent or monitoring our behavior closely. When we are performing, self-talk is the key to controlling what is happening in our mind. By controlling the behavior, we control the consequences. Think back to the clip from The Office. Jim was controlling the consequence by inserting a behavior into Dwight’s routine. We can do this with self-talk as well!

Once we learn how to control our self-talk, we can use it for several things. We can use self-talk to learn new skills, change bad habits, control our attention, create an optimal attitude or mood, control effort, change our mood or attitude, build self-efficacy, increase confidence, and maintain good behaviors. In the next sections, we will learn the types of self-talk and what type we should use most often.

Types of Self-Talk

Typically, we don’t use the same type of self-talk all the time. For example, if you spill your coffee as you head out the door one hectic morning, then you might say aloud, “Oh you dummy! Why did you do that?” (overt + third person). Later that morning in a meeting, you made a suggestion but knew it was not great as soon as you started speaking; you might silently say to yourself, “I don’t know why I even spoke up!” (covert + first person). In that same meeting, you decide to contribute again and say to yourself what your boss always tells you, “You have good ideas; breathe before you share them” (covert + positive + assigned). There are many different combinations of these, but it is important to investigate where these statements are coming from!

Impact and Functions of Self-Talk

Like in the previous example, self-talk types and purposes can be and typically are combined. Here are some more examples of these combinations of self-talk.

In this chart, you can see that although the behavior is the same (self-talk), the type of self-talk that the athlete uses produces very different consequences. Self-talk can be a great way to improve our performances because we are basically creating a feedback loop for ourselves.

Correction vs. Criticism

One important thing to note is that negative self-talk is unhelpful to our future performances. It offers no focus on how to improve. It is usually worrying about the future or ruminating about past failures. It is NOT constructive. Positive self-talk can have negative elements and still be classified as positive. If we miss a shot or have a bad performance, then we need correction. We do not need criticism.

A difference between these two is the content. One contains specific instructions. The other does not. Another good example of this is a coach working with a player on a skill. If the player makes a mistake and the coach responds with, “No, you aren’t doing it right,” then that is criticism.

If the coach responds with, “No. Remember to keep your head up and your feet planted,” then that is a correction, which is positive. The root question to distinguish between positive and negative self-talk is, “Is it helpful for future performances?” If it is helpful because it allows you to adjust or correct, then it is probably positive self-talk. If it is not helpful because it offers little instruction then it is probably negative.

This doesn’t mean that you should avoid reflecting on your failures. Do reflect on them! Consider what could have been changed to improve your performance. However, make sure that you are framing your talk in the most constructive way.

Think about how this relates to the whole “Positive vibes only” concept. If you are only focusing on the positive, you aren’t telling the whole story and you aren’t pointing out places where you can improve.

Imagine your self-talk as a coach inside your head. Strive to adjust your self-talk so that it treats you the way you would want a real-life coach to treat you. Correct your missteps instead of criticizing.

Modifying Self-Talk

In working with clients, regulating self-talk is probably one of the most impactful mental skills. When you change what you say, you can change how you feel; when you feel differently, you behave differently. Understanding this is critical!

Increasing the Positives

If you’ve recently been caught up in the Marie Kondo de-cluttering phenomenon, you might see a connection here. In Kondo’s decluttering method, we are asked to hold each item that we own and ask ourselves if it sparks joy. If it does, we keep it and we store it with respect. If it does not spark joy, we discard the item...after we thank it for its service or the lessons that it taught us. Essentially, before we let go we reflect on the item, how and why we acquired it, and why we no longer need to keep it. Kondo teaches tidying strategies, but at the heart of her tidying method is gratitude. We should be thankful that we have these items and live a life wherein we use them. How does this relate to self-talk?

I ask you this: are you as kind to yourself as Marie Kondo is to her socks? Do you thank yourself for what you’ve done so far in life? Do you take a moment to acknowledge your efforts and abilities? When you look at yourself as a whole person, do you spark joy in yourself?